Why Is It So Hard to Ask for Help?

For a long time, asking for help felt like a slightly strange concept to me.

Not because I thought there was anything wrong with helping people. In fact, I was always quite comfortable being the person others came to. I could listen, figure things out, take care of things and usually find a way to make something work.

But being on the other side of that equation felt different.

Being the elder daughter probably had something to do with it. There was an unspoken sense of being able to manage things, figure things out and take responsibility for whatever needed to be done. I wouldn't necessarily call myself fiercely independent, but I was used to doing things on my own.

Somewhere along the way, "I'll figure it out" became a fairly automatic response.

Even when someone would say, "Let me know if you need anything," my answer was usually some version of, "Yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out."

And most of the time, I did.

That's probably what made it harder.

When you are capable of doing things yourself, you don't always notice when you're doing too much.

You say yes because you know you can handle it. You take on another responsibility because you've managed the last five. You keep adding things to the list because, technically, everything still seems manageable.

Until one day, you realise that being able to carry something doesn't necessarily mean you were meant

to carry it alone.

I think there is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from being the person who is always fine. Not necessarily because you are pretending to be fine. You may genuinely believe that you can handle it. You may even be proud of the fact that you don't need much from anyone.

But sometimes, being capable becomes so closely tied to our sense of self that needing help starts to feel uncomfortable. As though needing someone means we've somehow failed at being capable.

And asking for help can bring up surprisingly complicated feelings.

What if I'm inconveniencing them?

What if they already have enough going on?

What if they think I should have been able to do this myself?

What if I ask and they say no?

What if I don't even know what kind of help I need?

That last one hits the hardest.

Sometimes, it's not that we don't need help. It's that we've become so accustomed to figuring things out ourselves that we don't stop long enough to ask what would actually make things easier.

And we just keep going.

Until we're exhausted.

There was a time when I said yes to a lot of things because I knew I could manage them. I was and still am good at multitasking, and there was something reassuring about knowing I could keep several things moving at once.

But eventually, I started noticing the cost of it.

Just because you can do five things at once doesn't mean your mind and body aren't tired from doing them. Just because you can carry the bag doesn't mean your shoulders aren't hurting.

And perhaps that's where asking for help actually begins, not with knowing exactly what you need, but with letting someone know that you're struggling.

I'm still learning to open that door myself. I'm much better at asking for help than I used to be, although my first instinct is still often, "I'll figure it out."

The difference is that now I sometimes pause and wonder; do I actually have to?

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Written by Deshna Shah

Deshna is a psychotherapist and co-founder at Therapea, working relationally with people navigating relationships, anxiety, and self-discovery. Work with Deshna →